I miss my Mum.

I really miss her. This is the longest time I've ever gone without speaking to her, and its only going to get longer. I want to call her and tell her how well the funeral went and who came and things that are going on. I want to tell her about our night away and show her the flowers people sent me, and the flowers people bought for her. I want to tell her what I plan to do next. I want to thank her for everything and say I'm sorry for not being patient with her and not taking her seriously when she said she thought her time had come. Why would I think that? she only had a chest infection.

I feel guilty for leaving her little house alone, almost as if it's a pet or something alive. Not being cared for the way she did. The lights aren't coming on at night, nothing is being moved. It's all still where she left it. I'm dreading having to move everything. I know that weeds will be growing in between the bricks on her front path, and she's never going to pull them up.

I know people are genuine when they say to call them if I need anything or I need company, but I can't. It's past one in the morning on a school night, for God's sake. Who the hell do I call and tell them I'm upset? Who do I ring and ask if they think she's still here somewhere, just a veil away, or if your lights go out and you're gone? Who do I ask at this time in the night? I'm fighting back tears often and I know it's the wrong thing to do, but I don't want to impose myself on other people. I know I could have called her and told her how upset I was, because she was there for me. But I can't, because she's gone. I can't be real. No way has she gone. How could she be gone? she's my Mum.